Another Day I call Tuesday

So it's been another day, the day is almost at the end and AGAIN i'm not in bed with my husband! No instead i'm here waiting for the pills to kick in. That's what my life has become I think--what did the doctor call me the other day I went there...a pillbox! Yeah sometimes I really feel like that when I fill out the "current medication" list part of the questions.

Did pretty well on a quiz in my social psychology class which i'm pretty happy about. Everyone was complaining and going on and on about how difficult it was. I got a 88% not too bad, not perfect but then I can't be everyday.

I also had a good productive day at work, had a good talk with my supervisor. I'm really wishing that it was October 10th, and I had an answer. I know that there is no other answer but until the surgeon looks at me and says "Okay I have surgery dates open on...." I'm still in limbo. I refuse to admit or guess what my future holds until I'm told that. Is that an optimism bias or avoidance? Maybe a little of both....

If I have the surgery my supervisor said this time I have to stay home until I'm better, not push it to come back because mentally i'm going crazy. He said that it's better to go crazy mentally for a couple weeks than come back a couple weeks too soon. He's right and I know that I will need to stay home as long as needed so that I can get better. I honestly feel in my heart and mind (I have to because other wise it would be ridiculous) that this time it will be better and everything will be fixed and life will be good! So I don't want to push it but would rather be better and get to go back to my life like it was February 27th. I'm lucky to have a family that loves me and has stood by me this whole time as I have fought thru my struggles and hopefully will come out ahead.

Each day it seems like something else is happening. Something else is bothered by my condition. My arms have began to hurt now....it's almost like muscle fatigue and carpal tunnel put together with some nerve pain thrown in for fun. Maybe this weekend when I have more time I will list the different pain levels I have and how it feels to be me for a moment. That sounds very melodramatic but it might be good to get it out.

Awww sweet bedtime is calling me...I look forward to sleep! And another busy day ahead of me.

Where I should be

This is definitely not where I should be. Sometimes we wake up and look around and know that something isn't right, other times we have a hard time waking up because we can't sleep. So here I am on the couch, not sleeping where I should be with my dearest hubby but rather watching TV and letting my fingers do the talking since nobody else is awake to talk to.

So this year has been an interesting year. I had an experience that I hope nobody that I care about has to experience which is back surgery. A large herniation from the T11-T12 happened and it was decided that I needed to do surgery as soon as possible. So I did and prayed that everything would be good, it would be a hard recovery but worth it and manageable. Well short story is that it didn't work out that way. So here I am again, where I shouldn't be.

MRI shows the herniation is still there. How does that happen you ask? I'm not sure but I aim to find out. The pain is bad, I had my family doctor take me off the Lyrica. Thank god for small miracles I used to feel drunk bloated and gained 20 pounds on that. Who knew it was helping somewhat with the nerve and back pain. I found that out because after coming off it the pain is even worse. I imagine had I come off the lyrica in the months since the surgery I probably would have gone for a second opinion quicker than I did.

Either way--Cymbalta didn't help either too many side effects...have you ever heard of excessive yawning? Sounds weird doesn't it? Well it's a real side effect...trust me!! So right now I'm everyday pill free. That means I only take the ones listed "as needed" on the labels! YAY! Of course the pain level is high, but hey only a couple more weeks and I find out what my future holds. I"m guessing surgery again, how can I be cursed with another surgery?!?!

People talk about multiple back surgeries, which I could handle if the first one failed but it didn't. I suppose you could say it maybe failed...or was that the surgeon that failed to remove the herniation? Makes no sense...I hope the new doctor can explain it to me, answer all my questions and fix it.

Pain pain go away this is a place I shouldn't be.