8 days and counting

Can it truly be?!?! The pain has been bad, I can sense that the herniation is moving and pressing on different things. Right now my forearm hurts in a one inch spot, both legs are tingling and my right calf is a charlie horse. Better than the arm's feeling like I had hit my funny  bone though...good times! I've gotten some of my school work completed, still have a lot to do I feel like, daughter wrecked the car yesterday so just another thing that I put on the to do list!

I wish it was tomorrow, I wish I didn't have this long to think about it and all that is to come. We put my bed up today, I wish I didn't have to sleep upstairs by myself but I know it's for the best. Even if I was sleeping with hubby I would keep him up. I need to clean up a bit. I need to make my list of questions to ask the doctor on Thursday. That's what I should be doing but i'm just not feeling it. Not feeling a lot of anything.

8 days and counting

Widgets

I thought that a widget would be a good idea, to remind me of my upcoming surgery. It's in 23 days for those counting, but with my widget I don't have to count. problem is that in a way it's good and in another way it's very bad, as a constant reminder. I just feel like I have so much to do, so much school work to do and things to do around the house. I know that there's probably not a LOT that I HAVE to do around the house but i'm a bit of a control freak and to know that I won't be able to do anything for at least a month and will just have to sit there and let others do for me...well that is way too much for me to think about! I had a bit of a break down at work the other day. A behavior review and he had nothing but good things to say, but I started crying, like tissue blowing my nose crying. Why? Because I'm MAD and UPSET and SCARED why not? I hate that I have to leave because i'm really doing some great things and i'm on the right track, and I hate to feel like someone that's not worthy and to tell my co workers that I know they will be out working but i'll be off for 3 months. I'm upset because I already did this, why should I have to do it again! I'm scared of the pain, of the embarrassment, of the struggle that is ahead and the work. I'm lazy and tired, sometimes I don't think I have the energy.

Tuesday I meet with the thoracic surgeon who will assist the orthopedic surgeon. I  need to come up with my questions. Why do I feel like i want to know everything yet nothing?

Worse than Chronic Pain

Life will sometimes play tricks on you, give you more than you think you can handle but sometimes as you reach out to people you lean on them for strength and support. Your friends are amazing people who help you thru the troubled times. You tell them you need them, you tell them you want them to be there for you. You even explain to them, or try to that sometimes you can't control the pain you have. Sometimes you aren't fun to be around and sometimes your feelings are hurt by things that might not matter to others. They ask if you need anything--you don't need anything except for them to be there for you but they won't. For whatever reason they cant. You ask them to go to a specific place with you, sometimes you ask for years but they won't. Then one day you see that they are going to that exact place with someone else. Maybe it's due to the distance that has come up between you two, maybe it's because when they say "let me know if you need anything" you feel like it's a fake statement, a true friend would remember when you told them maybe you can come visit and bring me a coffee when I'm housebound and they would come over. A real friend wouldn't even tell you to do that, they would say what can I do for you....Maybe it's in your heart that you feel betrayed, who knows but I do know what is worse than chronic pain and believe me when I say I know what Chronic pain is!

A Letter To Normals

Maybe Someday

Sunday night, hubby and daughter in bed--even the dogs are sleeping. Which admittedly isn't that rare since i'm pretty sure that's the all the dogs do, well that and bark. But I can't sleep. What else is new? My back is spasming, my sides hurt, i'm pretty sure my nightgown has razor blades in it (or else it just feels like it), i'm just not tired. Could be the back issue or it could be the 24 ounces of Pepsi I drank after dinner.

I meet with the new surgeon tomorrow, I keep having nightmares. Not that he will tell me I have to have surgery but he will tell me I WON'T have surgery. I couldn't go on with this pain, this discomfort, this hell that I've been in. I know that it's probably not true, I'm sure when we go in he will schedule me for surgery...I'm going to have him answer my questions first though. I am not as scared as I was before, it's not as upsetting as it was before and I've not been taking my pain meds so that I am not cloudy headed or weepy when i go in there tomorrow. Of course I'm also taking my hubby this time. But they call them nightmares because they are your worst fear, scarey and unreasonable so it's natural. That would be my worst fear to be told there wasn't anything that could be done and I would be this forever.

Hubby said "You ready to go to bed grandma?" I said "Grandma?" He said that I walk like a grandma, I thought maybe it was my oh so sexy nightgown I was wearing but no it was my weeble wobble walking. I look forward to not being that weeble wobble anymore, somedays I walk better than others, some days I don't limp and somedays my feet don't take a lot more effort than they once did to make them work. Somedays. I keep looking forward to those somedays, the future somedays.

Those days when I look at my heels I bought and think "Someday". Those days when I think of being able to roll over in bed without a huge ordeal "Someday". That time when I can actually get down on the ground and get back up by myself without something to lean on "Someday". The day I feel normal again "Someday". I only wish it was today, yesterday, anyday but for now I will hope for "Someday".

So this is why I am still awake, thoughts and pain and fear. Funny they dont' make a magic pill to make all of it go away. Maybe someday they will.

Chocolate Hazlenut Cake

We went to a friends home last night for a party and had chocolate hazlenut cake..yum and she let me take the rest home. I'm wondering if she had some motive in doing that--probably knowing I would eat it and not her! So I have eaten, twice today. I see nothing wrong with having some cake for breakfast, probably less calories than a belgian waffle with strawberries and whipped cream...seriously like I would make that for us at home!

So here I am laying on the couch feeling very lazy and tired. My back is causing some discomfort today along with the nerve pain. Thank goodness only 8 more days and I see the new surgeon! I can't wait. I also called the hospital and requested the authorization form to get my medical records from them. I am hoping it will have my op report in it, as the reports that "his" office sent my doctor had nothing but 2 follow up appointment paperwork in it. Nothing about my epidural steroid shots, my continued complaints of pain, nothing about my incision not healing and their referral to wound care..how can all of that happen and NO records!?! How can I go repeatidly and they not keep a record of good or bad.

Who knows and I am going to ask and hopefully the new doctor can explain everything to me. I'm concerned that I have to have faith in another doctor when I offered my trust to the last one and this is where i'm at now.

Another Day I call Tuesday

So it's been another day, the day is almost at the end and AGAIN i'm not in bed with my husband! No instead i'm here waiting for the pills to kick in. That's what my life has become I think--what did the doctor call me the other day I went there...a pillbox! Yeah sometimes I really feel like that when I fill out the "current medication" list part of the questions.

Did pretty well on a quiz in my social psychology class which i'm pretty happy about. Everyone was complaining and going on and on about how difficult it was. I got a 88% not too bad, not perfect but then I can't be everyday.

I also had a good productive day at work, had a good talk with my supervisor. I'm really wishing that it was October 10th, and I had an answer. I know that there is no other answer but until the surgeon looks at me and says "Okay I have surgery dates open on...." I'm still in limbo. I refuse to admit or guess what my future holds until I'm told that. Is that an optimism bias or avoidance? Maybe a little of both....

If I have the surgery my supervisor said this time I have to stay home until I'm better, not push it to come back because mentally i'm going crazy. He said that it's better to go crazy mentally for a couple weeks than come back a couple weeks too soon. He's right and I know that I will need to stay home as long as needed so that I can get better. I honestly feel in my heart and mind (I have to because other wise it would be ridiculous) that this time it will be better and everything will be fixed and life will be good! So I don't want to push it but would rather be better and get to go back to my life like it was February 27th. I'm lucky to have a family that loves me and has stood by me this whole time as I have fought thru my struggles and hopefully will come out ahead.

Each day it seems like something else is happening. Something else is bothered by my condition. My arms have began to hurt now....it's almost like muscle fatigue and carpal tunnel put together with some nerve pain thrown in for fun. Maybe this weekend when I have more time I will list the different pain levels I have and how it feels to be me for a moment. That sounds very melodramatic but it might be good to get it out.

Awww sweet bedtime is calling me...I look forward to sleep! And another busy day ahead of me.

Where I should be

This is definitely not where I should be. Sometimes we wake up and look around and know that something isn't right, other times we have a hard time waking up because we can't sleep. So here I am on the couch, not sleeping where I should be with my dearest hubby but rather watching TV and letting my fingers do the talking since nobody else is awake to talk to.

So this year has been an interesting year. I had an experience that I hope nobody that I care about has to experience which is back surgery. A large herniation from the T11-T12 happened and it was decided that I needed to do surgery as soon as possible. So I did and prayed that everything would be good, it would be a hard recovery but worth it and manageable. Well short story is that it didn't work out that way. So here I am again, where I shouldn't be.

MRI shows the herniation is still there. How does that happen you ask? I'm not sure but I aim to find out. The pain is bad, I had my family doctor take me off the Lyrica. Thank god for small miracles I used to feel drunk bloated and gained 20 pounds on that. Who knew it was helping somewhat with the nerve and back pain. I found that out because after coming off it the pain is even worse. I imagine had I come off the lyrica in the months since the surgery I probably would have gone for a second opinion quicker than I did.

Either way--Cymbalta didn't help either too many side effects...have you ever heard of excessive yawning? Sounds weird doesn't it? Well it's a real side effect...trust me!! So right now I'm everyday pill free. That means I only take the ones listed "as needed" on the labels! YAY! Of course the pain level is high, but hey only a couple more weeks and I find out what my future holds. I"m guessing surgery again, how can I be cursed with another surgery?!?!

People talk about multiple back surgeries, which I could handle if the first one failed but it didn't. I suppose you could say it maybe failed...or was that the surgeon that failed to remove the herniation? Makes no sense...I hope the new doctor can explain it to me, answer all my questions and fix it.

Pain pain go away this is a place I shouldn't be.

Getting Back

Well it's been a long time since my surgery...heck it's been longer than my last blog post! It's been 3 months, seems like forever...longest 3 months of my life! But still not there. Why do people keep asking me about my back? I get frustrated with the questions, I try not to go crazy because I know that they are asking because they want to see me better but i'm tired of saying the same thing "No real changes just plugging along" and try to smile like my whole life hasn't changed!

I am feeling a slight bit difference so i'm glad for that, I've been to physical therapy once last week. I thought it would be progressing quicker than it has been.

Of course the good thing is that i feel good about work, it's been really crazy with some things but I have had the opportunity to step up and really be an assest that people notice. I like what i'm doing and hope that I don't have to go back to my "normal" position anytime soon. From what i've heard there is a possibility that I won't but you never know!

Beauty, how far is too far?

In February a British tourist checked into a Hampton Inn for a “buttock-enhancement” surgery performed in a hotel suite by a supposed “Doctor” and later died as a complication after being admitted to the hospital for chest pains. This is not an isolated incident in recent times nor will it be the last person we hear about who will die in the pursuit of beauty. It would be easy to blame the doctors or even the women who use these “back-room” procedures to save money or get a surgery that a reputable doctor won’t perform but in reality we need to address the larger societal issues that make these women seek out these dangerous situations. (NY Daily News, 2011)

There are some that are happy with what nature has given them and some that will never be happy. They are the ones that will strive to be the definition of beauty, at all costs. We see the billboards even in our own city as we drive downtown advertising liposuction, laser surgery and breast implants. The women and men on the billboards do not appear to need any of the work that is being advertised. These are bodies that many strive to look like but as our children drive past they are being told even this body needs work. An elective surgery of breast implants, which according to the American Society for Aesthetic Plastic Surgery (ASAPS) were performed 355,671 times in 2008 (Accespro.org, 2009) is one of the leading procedures performed. Studies also show that the most common reason given for getting breast implants is to feel “better” about their bodies, although it is our environment and culture which has reinforced this warped sense of body image.

A study in 2004 by University of Exeter (BBC Local Devon, 2004) showed that newborn babies are drawn to a photo of a fashion model versus a plain looking woman. This study showed that even at birth there is an imprinted view of what beauty is and that the babies can distinguish this from that first moment. As we humans get older we expand on this imprinting and continually seek out beauty in ourselves and others. Because of this search and people continuingly striving to be viewed as beautiful there are many people that go to extremes to fit in. Every year there are women who die looking for the perfect body, the flawless skin and to fit into a category of beautiful.

We are familiar with the stories of women that go too far and celebrities whom already make money off of the way they look that then have multiple surgeries to enhance their beauty while they are only creating a façade of who they really are. As we raise our children in this world to consider beauty from within the fight gets harder. Trying to convince a teenager that her freckles are beautiful, that she’s not too skinny or too chubby or to not worry that her chest isn’t as developed as her friends soon becomes a full time job with the media and our general sense of beauty overriding all the words you can say. We fight against the natural tendencies within ourselves to seek out beauty and to be happy.

When it becomes an obsession as it does for some people they will go to any length to get what they need much like a drug addict. An anorexic will never be able to see themselves as too thin and will always see that extra inch that they could lose and when denied assistance by a reputable doctor will then visit the dangerous “back-room” doctors who will operate for a fee with very little conscious.

This is a simple epidemic of supply and demand. If we can convince the future generations that they do not need to go to drastic measures to be a commonly accepted form of “beautiful” then soon we will no longer support these doctors who are killing and maiming our future. There are times when plastic surgery is needed, there are doctors that do great things assisting those that have a medical need for reconstructive surgery but those are in a different class.

How far is too far to be beautiful, is a decision that we all have to make and that we need to help our children decide. Remove a mole, correct a scar, shave a bit off your nose or enhance your breasts and you are changing what nature has given you. It may make you beautiful but if you knew that you would die for a nose job or a breast enhancement would it be worth it? There are some that would agree the risk outweighs not being happy and those are the ones that need to be helped the most.

Works Cited

Accespro.org. (2009, March 17). Retrieved from http://acesspro.org/plastic-surgery/breast-augmentation-statistics-for-2008

BBC Local Devon. (2004, 9 7). Retrieved from BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/devon/news_features/2004/baby_faces.shtml

NY Daily News. (2011, 02 8). Retrieved from NY Daily News.com: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2011/02/08/2011-02-08_woman_dies_after_butt_implant_procedure_tourist_underwent_backdoor_silicone_surg.html?r=news

My Space in the WWW

So it's been forever since I have written anything. I was thinking that I would start writing more. My husband has been encouraging me to get into writing and publishing through Amazon for additional money and I think that I will give it a shot.

I've been home for the last month and half on pain killers since I hurt my knee and back on 2/28 and have not been able to work since. Thank god for short term disability!! Then I had back surgery on 3/28 yikes that has been hell for sure!!

But i've finally come out of the haze of painkillers and muscle relaxers enough to log on and do some work on my college classes. I will be posting a commentary on here due to an online media assignment but I think that I will be on here more.

My opinions and thoughts need to be heard! And like hubby says maybe i'm "bored of talking to him" since i've been home I need outside stimuli. Not sure if this will give me any but it will give me a voice again!