8 days and counting

Can it truly be?!?! The pain has been bad, I can sense that the herniation is moving and pressing on different things. Right now my forearm hurts in a one inch spot, both legs are tingling and my right calf is a charlie horse. Better than the arm's feeling like I had hit my funny  bone though...good times! I've gotten some of my school work completed, still have a lot to do I feel like, daughter wrecked the car yesterday so just another thing that I put on the to do list!

I wish it was tomorrow, I wish I didn't have this long to think about it and all that is to come. We put my bed up today, I wish I didn't have to sleep upstairs by myself but I know it's for the best. Even if I was sleeping with hubby I would keep him up. I need to clean up a bit. I need to make my list of questions to ask the doctor on Thursday. That's what I should be doing but i'm just not feeling it. Not feeling a lot of anything.

8 days and counting

Widgets

I thought that a widget would be a good idea, to remind me of my upcoming surgery. It's in 23 days for those counting, but with my widget I don't have to count. problem is that in a way it's good and in another way it's very bad, as a constant reminder. I just feel like I have so much to do, so much school work to do and things to do around the house. I know that there's probably not a LOT that I HAVE to do around the house but i'm a bit of a control freak and to know that I won't be able to do anything for at least a month and will just have to sit there and let others do for me...well that is way too much for me to think about! I had a bit of a break down at work the other day. A behavior review and he had nothing but good things to say, but I started crying, like tissue blowing my nose crying. Why? Because I'm MAD and UPSET and SCARED why not? I hate that I have to leave because i'm really doing some great things and i'm on the right track, and I hate to feel like someone that's not worthy and to tell my co workers that I know they will be out working but i'll be off for 3 months. I'm upset because I already did this, why should I have to do it again! I'm scared of the pain, of the embarrassment, of the struggle that is ahead and the work. I'm lazy and tired, sometimes I don't think I have the energy.

Tuesday I meet with the thoracic surgeon who will assist the orthopedic surgeon. I  need to come up with my questions. Why do I feel like i want to know everything yet nothing?

Worse than Chronic Pain

Life will sometimes play tricks on you, give you more than you think you can handle but sometimes as you reach out to people you lean on them for strength and support. Your friends are amazing people who help you thru the troubled times. You tell them you need them, you tell them you want them to be there for you. You even explain to them, or try to that sometimes you can't control the pain you have. Sometimes you aren't fun to be around and sometimes your feelings are hurt by things that might not matter to others. They ask if you need anything--you don't need anything except for them to be there for you but they won't. For whatever reason they cant. You ask them to go to a specific place with you, sometimes you ask for years but they won't. Then one day you see that they are going to that exact place with someone else. Maybe it's due to the distance that has come up between you two, maybe it's because when they say "let me know if you need anything" you feel like it's a fake statement, a true friend would remember when you told them maybe you can come visit and bring me a coffee when I'm housebound and they would come over. A real friend wouldn't even tell you to do that, they would say what can I do for you....Maybe it's in your heart that you feel betrayed, who knows but I do know what is worse than chronic pain and believe me when I say I know what Chronic pain is!

A Letter To Normals

Maybe Someday

Sunday night, hubby and daughter in bed--even the dogs are sleeping. Which admittedly isn't that rare since i'm pretty sure that's the all the dogs do, well that and bark. But I can't sleep. What else is new? My back is spasming, my sides hurt, i'm pretty sure my nightgown has razor blades in it (or else it just feels like it), i'm just not tired. Could be the back issue or it could be the 24 ounces of Pepsi I drank after dinner.

I meet with the new surgeon tomorrow, I keep having nightmares. Not that he will tell me I have to have surgery but he will tell me I WON'T have surgery. I couldn't go on with this pain, this discomfort, this hell that I've been in. I know that it's probably not true, I'm sure when we go in he will schedule me for surgery...I'm going to have him answer my questions first though. I am not as scared as I was before, it's not as upsetting as it was before and I've not been taking my pain meds so that I am not cloudy headed or weepy when i go in there tomorrow. Of course I'm also taking my hubby this time. But they call them nightmares because they are your worst fear, scarey and unreasonable so it's natural. That would be my worst fear to be told there wasn't anything that could be done and I would be this forever.

Hubby said "You ready to go to bed grandma?" I said "Grandma?" He said that I walk like a grandma, I thought maybe it was my oh so sexy nightgown I was wearing but no it was my weeble wobble walking. I look forward to not being that weeble wobble anymore, somedays I walk better than others, some days I don't limp and somedays my feet don't take a lot more effort than they once did to make them work. Somedays. I keep looking forward to those somedays, the future somedays.

Those days when I look at my heels I bought and think "Someday". Those days when I think of being able to roll over in bed without a huge ordeal "Someday". That time when I can actually get down on the ground and get back up by myself without something to lean on "Someday". The day I feel normal again "Someday". I only wish it was today, yesterday, anyday but for now I will hope for "Someday".

So this is why I am still awake, thoughts and pain and fear. Funny they dont' make a magic pill to make all of it go away. Maybe someday they will.

Chocolate Hazlenut Cake

We went to a friends home last night for a party and had chocolate hazlenut cake..yum and she let me take the rest home. I'm wondering if she had some motive in doing that--probably knowing I would eat it and not her! So I have eaten, twice today. I see nothing wrong with having some cake for breakfast, probably less calories than a belgian waffle with strawberries and whipped cream...seriously like I would make that for us at home!

So here I am laying on the couch feeling very lazy and tired. My back is causing some discomfort today along with the nerve pain. Thank goodness only 8 more days and I see the new surgeon! I can't wait. I also called the hospital and requested the authorization form to get my medical records from them. I am hoping it will have my op report in it, as the reports that "his" office sent my doctor had nothing but 2 follow up appointment paperwork in it. Nothing about my epidural steroid shots, my continued complaints of pain, nothing about my incision not healing and their referral to wound care..how can all of that happen and NO records!?! How can I go repeatidly and they not keep a record of good or bad.

Who knows and I am going to ask and hopefully the new doctor can explain everything to me. I'm concerned that I have to have faith in another doctor when I offered my trust to the last one and this is where i'm at now.

Another Day I call Tuesday

So it's been another day, the day is almost at the end and AGAIN i'm not in bed with my husband! No instead i'm here waiting for the pills to kick in. That's what my life has become I think--what did the doctor call me the other day I went there...a pillbox! Yeah sometimes I really feel like that when I fill out the "current medication" list part of the questions.

Did pretty well on a quiz in my social psychology class which i'm pretty happy about. Everyone was complaining and going on and on about how difficult it was. I got a 88% not too bad, not perfect but then I can't be everyday.

I also had a good productive day at work, had a good talk with my supervisor. I'm really wishing that it was October 10th, and I had an answer. I know that there is no other answer but until the surgeon looks at me and says "Okay I have surgery dates open on...." I'm still in limbo. I refuse to admit or guess what my future holds until I'm told that. Is that an optimism bias or avoidance? Maybe a little of both....

If I have the surgery my supervisor said this time I have to stay home until I'm better, not push it to come back because mentally i'm going crazy. He said that it's better to go crazy mentally for a couple weeks than come back a couple weeks too soon. He's right and I know that I will need to stay home as long as needed so that I can get better. I honestly feel in my heart and mind (I have to because other wise it would be ridiculous) that this time it will be better and everything will be fixed and life will be good! So I don't want to push it but would rather be better and get to go back to my life like it was February 27th. I'm lucky to have a family that loves me and has stood by me this whole time as I have fought thru my struggles and hopefully will come out ahead.

Each day it seems like something else is happening. Something else is bothered by my condition. My arms have began to hurt now....it's almost like muscle fatigue and carpal tunnel put together with some nerve pain thrown in for fun. Maybe this weekend when I have more time I will list the different pain levels I have and how it feels to be me for a moment. That sounds very melodramatic but it might be good to get it out.

Awww sweet bedtime is calling me...I look forward to sleep! And another busy day ahead of me.