Fireflies

I forgot...Fireflies are so neat....I went for a little walk to get some air out of the truck and at first they were like scared or something I dunno and then all of a sudden I was standing there and saw a flash of light...you almost think that you imagined it...then there are more and more all around you surrounding you with twinkling light...It's like you are standing in the middle of the universe and walking through the stars. That's one of the coolest things about the south...fireflies. Just like a woman to think the whole universe surrounds her :)

Headed West

Well i'm headed west at the moment. Right now i'm at a shitty little service area on the Oklahoma turnpike between Tulsa and Oklahoma City supposedly taking my 10 hours in the sleeper...I gotta be in "Amarillo by morning" but due to my tiredness lastnight and I shut off the alarm and apparently fell asleep with the phone still in my hand (my cell is my alarm) I didn't leave Indiana when I wanted to....I left about 5 hours late. Sooooo needless to say it's been a long day and will be another one tommarrow. But it's an open appointment time which means I am just going to drop my trailer off and hook up to an empty and I just have to be there by 2359 tommarrow night. I just wanted to get there early so I could pick up my other load early and then get on my way up to Utah. But as it works out anyway I am only able to get there and drop my load and then drive to get my new load and go to sleep till the next day....running a little low on my hours. Which sucks because it will be a harder drive to Utah because I will have to only drive the hours I have each day I have no cushion left.

I've done okay this time by myself. It's been rather lonely with nobody to really talk to. My daughter each time I call doesn't seem to want to talk to me....she's busy--you know watching TV or playing with her "stack and sort cups" she's very good at that. But I ended up hanging up the phone tonight in tears which is my own fault....I started to get a bit angry with her because she wasn't talking and seemed to not want to...I said "are you busy or what because you aren't talking" she said "I am busy" I told her fine I would let her get back to whatever she was doing. It's not right for me to take my guilt out on her I suppose. But she doesn't udnerstand how upset I am right now and how badly I wish I was home with her and had a normal life again. How much I miss her everyday and I just wish I could be with her watching her do all the things that she does everyday. I hate this choice I have made. I feel like everyday I can't change things. When I told hubby that I missed her and that I was thinking maybe this isn't what I want to do anymore he got mad at me and started being rude and pissy. If I go home I am afraid that we won't make it. Never seeing each other and all that.

I guess what upsets me a bit is that he expects me to be out here all the time and doesn't see things and see how much drama I have going on in my heart every second. I thought I could do it...but I don't think that I can, being away from my daughter. Probably would be different if it was like we talked about....but we talked about me coming home for a couple weeks at a time.... as it stands I haven't been home in months. I have been able to stop for 3 times since february but it tears me up to leave again. The truth of the matter is that I was once happy doing this...but I don't think I am now. He drove truck while he was married to his ex wife...she stayed home with the kids....and I guess that maybe I feel like I am the one that has given up so much to be with him.....and that I don't get the same courtesy. Me staying home with her just doens't seem to be an option in his heart. We talked about it but we do that a lot...and when we talk abotu stuff I feel like that is all it is...talk...no action. Maybe one day it's going to be me saying this is the way it is going to be or not...I dunno...my heart is torn and I just wish that he could listen and see where I am coming from sometimes.....He said maybe we shouldn't have started driving after he got back so soon together because we are both used to living solitary lives since he was gone for 14 months.....I don't think that is it...He said this after us having a shitty week because I was extremly upset because he barely spoke to me and it had been 5 days since he said I love you....I figured out while he was gone and thought about getting the visit you never want to get that if you love someone you always make sure they know just in case....Somedays I feel that the man who used to make me feel so loved and sexy is too busy to do that anymore....When I was upset he used to try to find out why. Now he just doesn't ask. I'm not sure what I want to do career wise...but he gets mad when I say maybe not driving....we are all entitled to change our minds....he did. Without even asking what I thought...just decided that he was going to do something and that was that no talking about it ....I actually had to sit and grill him about it to find out.

I guess we will see after this summer.....I'm not sure what will happen...Maybe I will be on the truck and maybe I won't I dunno. Maybe i'm just having a moment right now...so much for stopping smoking :)

Bizarro World

Seinfield had an episode with the Bizarro world...where everything you know is right is the same but different....That's how I feel right now at this moment! I am currently sitting in Kentucky--Berea Kentucky to be exact...exit 76 on I75. I found a truck stop to park at..I saw in the truck stop directory it had a 24 hour restaurant...that's fantastic! Wrong again sherlock--it has a restuarant next door that you have to walk through the chain link and barbed wire fence to get to but they close at 9 pm...due to the fact that they are still working off their "Winter Hours" Now seriously what restuarant in a smallish town surrounded by businesses has "Winter Hours" it's not like they are in a resort community...well okay the Kentucky Music Hall of Fame is here. Hmmmm.....maybe that is a resort community! Okay seriously truck stops (older ones) are not always in the nicest neighborhoods...this one is a rather seedy old school area. I walk into the building to see if they had anything to eat....they didn't really besides some nasty looking little debbie snacks but I got an interesting drink...it's a "Concord Grape Soda" called MR FROSTIE and it's got a picture of Santa Claus on it LOL So I'm sitting here typing with the wonderful smell of urine wafting up through my drivers window as I sip my Mr Frostie drink (est 1939) wishing I had something for dinner listening to Michael Savage. But I should get back to what I was saying...I walk into the truck stop (using that term LOOSELY!) and there were actually quite a few people in there...of course there was the smoke screen you couldn't even see through as I struggle to the bathroom....the bathroom was pretty much what I expected. Although the small hotel (yes it was from a hotel because you could see the imprint still a little bit) bar of soap that served to wash your hands was not what I thought would be a good substitute for actual hand washing! I decided to use a santizing cloth when I got out to the truck. Coming out of the bathroom I noticed that the woman working there had brought her 7 year old son to work with her...which is nice to spend time with your children. Of course she was keeping him busy by giving him money to put into the Keno Machine. I'm sure it's a skill that he will use later on in life...but unfortunately she wasn't telling him that Keno is a House game! I'm going to go to the Super Walmart in the morning and pick up some things for the truck...gotta get snacks so I can loose my big butt that i've gained since hubby came home! I don't think I could ever truly describe this sad little truck stop....but apparently it's a gathering place because it is almost midnight here on a Wednesday and there are still 10 cars parked in front--playing keno most likely. It's off to bed for me gotta figure out when I need to leave so I can make it to my destination in time for tommarrow. I'm still trucking and will try to find interesting things to write about :)

Bizarro World

Seinfield had an episode with the Bizarro world...where everything you know is right is the same but different....That's how I feel right now at this moment! I am currently sitting in Kentucky--Berea Kentucky to be exact...exit 76 on I75. I found a truck stop to park at..I saw in the truck stop directory it had a 24 hour restaurant...that's fantastic! Wrong again sherlock--it has a restuarant next door that you have to walk through the chain link and barbed wire fence to get to but they close at 9 pm...due to the fact that they are still working off their "Winter Hours" Now seriously what restuarant in a smallish town surrounded by businesses has "Winter Hours" it's not like they are in a resort community...well okay the Kentucky Music Hall of Fame is here. Hmmmm.....maybe that is a resort community! Okay seriously truck stops (older ones) are not always in the nicest neighborhoods...this one is a rather seedy old school area. I walk into the building to see if they had anything to eat....they didn't really besides some nasty looking little debbie snacks but I got an interesting drink...it's a "Concord Grape Soda" called MR FROSTIE and it's got a picture of Santa Claus on it LOL So I'm sitting here typing with the wonderful smell of urine wafting up through my drivers window as I sip my Mr Frostie drink (est 1939) wishing I had something for dinner listening to Michael Savage. But I should get back to what I was saying...I walk into the truck stop (using that term LOOSELY!) and there were actually quite a few people in there...of course there was the smoke screen you couldn't even see through as I struggle to the bathroom....the bathroom was pretty much what I expected. Although the small hotel (yes it was from a hotel because you could see the imprint still a little bit) bar of soap that served to wash your hands was not what I thought would be a good substitute for actual hand washing! I decided to use a santizing cloth when I got out to the truck. Coming out of the bathroom I noticed that the woman working there had brought her 7 year old son to work with her...which is nice to spend time with your children. Of course she was keeping him busy by giving him money to put into the Keno Machine. I'm sure it's a skill that he will use later on in life...but unfortunately she wasn't telling him that Keno is a House game! I'm going to go to the Super Walmart in the morning and pick up some things for the truck...gotta get snacks so I can loose my big butt that i've gained since hubby came home! I don't think I could ever truly describe this sad little truck stop....but apparently it's a gathering place because it is almost midnight here on a Wednesday and there are still 10 cars parked in front--playing keno most likely. It's off to bed for me gotta figure out when I need to leave so I can make it to my destination in time for tommarrow. I'm still trucking and will try to find interesting things to write about :)

My Absence

Wow I didn't realize it had been this long since I updated this....I have been through a lot since then. Some of it little things...some of it bigger things. Of course some days the little things seem a lot bigger! Hubby is gone...again. I'm by myself on the truck....again. It seems like it's been like this forever. But just a week and half and he will be back and hopefully things will change. He's been busy having to go home for the Navy and he went to see his son in Denver for a week last month. It's hard for me because being out here alone as much as I have since January is somedays very difficult. Physically and mentally. Right now my mom and daughter and step dad are in Pennsylvania at the moment because my step dad's mother is very ill so they drove out there to see her. Hubby is gone to China Lake and unable to communicate with me so it's been a very lonely few days. Besides the usual "Thanks for my fuel ticket" and "Have a nice day" I have spent 3 days and only talked to someone 2 times. Right now I miss being home, I think of all the things I could be doing...weeding my flowers, taking my evening walk, doing the dishes, painting the walls....I could go on and on! Sometimes I drive and I see people coming home from the grocery store with the car loaded with groceries and I miss that. Or I see someone with their child and it absolutely breaks my heart not seeing my own daughter. I have been able to stop by for a few hours a couple times....but if the truck doesn't move it still costs us money so someone has to keep it moving. I was off the truck for 2 weeks in February due to my cousin's death. I won't talk about that for now...i'm not sure if I will ever have any thoughts on his suicide that are worth putting down and sharing...except that it's senseless and a waste. But life has gotten me down a bit and haven't felt like typing anything. I think that will change...it's good to have an outlet! Will post again soon....with things that are a bit lighter !